a million thoughts. the hardest part is where to begin.

right now, i have a million thoughts running through my mind.  about life and death and everything in between.  i am finding it impossible to link all the thoughts together and express myself.  i find that this is generally the case, and so, my thoughts sit locked in my mind, running round and round.  some people close to me may have tiny bits and pieces of the thoughts released to them, but mostly they sit trapped.  i believe this is the cause of my recent sleeplessness and the return of my serious anxiety.  it is odd to me that i completely understand where most of my "problems" come from and yet i can do nothing to change anything.

i believe that i am generally an outgoing person, but possibly not in the most important way.  i have often been accused of being a sociopath because i express so little emotion.  i long for someone to understand where i am coming from and want to completely listen to everything i keep trapped inside, and at the same time i would have no idea where to begin or what words to use.

as i have begun to grow up and chose the people around me more carefully and calculatedly, i believe that i have come closer to transforming into an open person.  i honestly believe pushing publish on this blog will be a giant step for me, because usually i chose delete.  but in the past few months i feel like my perspective on everything has changed completely.  i see some things more clearly and others are covered in more question marks than i ever thought possible.

"every beginning, comes from some other beginnings end."  sometimes you do not realize the impact that moments have on you or the entire rest of your life.

it is insane how uncertain life is.  we are not promised anything but right now.  the incredibly unexpected and tragic passing of a friend has opened my eyes to all that we take for granted.  just the ability to live is an enormous gift and yet most of us spend our days in situations that we cannot stand, or complaining about things that we could easily change.  i feel that i live almost every day w out expressing emotion in fear of getting hurt.  but now i wonder which is worse, hurting, or never telling anyone how you really feel.

even w realizing this i know i will remain silent to many people that i care about the most.  choosing not to open my mind to them for fear of sounding crazy or dramatic.  but from now on instead of stressing so aimlessly about what i want to do w the rest of my life, i want to focus on how i can make right now better.  i want to work towards sharing who i am w the people i care about, and live each day more thankful and less afraid.  

xo R